Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
