dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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