Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Help. Why am I so naked?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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