i already hear my dad disowning me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
