I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
