I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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