yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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