He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
