i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
my liver is dry heaving
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
