I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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