Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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