I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
