What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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