Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
