i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
