why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
