Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
