I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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