wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
