saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
