I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
