I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
