You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
