So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
