peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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