he thought i was a dude.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
