The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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