Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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