You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
