if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the day after is always just damage control
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
