I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
