were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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