FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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