what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
