And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
