Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
