If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
