he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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