oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
