man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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