Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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