I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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