I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
