What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
