this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
