i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
