A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
