my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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