we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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