So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
is it fun? or sober?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
