woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
